Wishes

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

~MyLife 31/03/2010...FML~

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╚══╩═╩═╩═╩═╩╩╩╩═╝ .╚╝╚═╝╚╩╩╝╚╝ .╚═╩╩╝╚═╝

hey...now im gonna talk bullshit about my life..since i ain't got things to do other than this...haha...hmmm...first start off with studying...well..now's back in my hometown...holiday...haha...for one fucking month....but...maybe will go to work or something..doesn't matter....haha...but i friggin' need some money......ohya..starting next semester all the students need a quite powerful computer...gonna learn maya....haha...so...decide to buy one desktop...but..nt sure how my parents think...especially my kai ma....she dont' want me to buy the desktop you customize yourself...so...still thinking about it...haha...next sem is 2nd year 1st sem...hmm...time fly so damn fast...oredi one year studying in the one...haha....

hmm...KL life is pretty nice...the place I live also not bad...it's not like super damn nice ok? I just got a roof over my head...and there's air-con...so i wont complain about the hot weather...haha...and...the house is located near my college...haha....can just walk there...around 5-7 minutes...haha...and also can walk to sunway pyramid...is just next to all the blocks of the TOA area...haha....and...in sunway pyramid...there's lots of lenglui...woots...damn sexy and cute....haha

...and now...wanna talk about my gan jie....my da jie and sha po jie...hmm...i used to have sister complex...but now...i think im slowly letting go of them...but no matter what happens...they will forever be my sisters...haha....they are so busy with their lives...and dun have any space left for me...so they push me aside...telling me that..everyone have their own path to walk....be more mature...that's wad shapo jie told me....hmmm....i got draw something for the both of them....dunno if they really like or not...its their portrait drawing by me....haha....hmm...guess that time...like form 4 & 5..they just playing around with me...treat me nice wad...and now...throw me away...making me hanging by a thread...but it's slowly breaking apart....I used to support them...to cheer them up when they are down....there's a time when da jie was damn emo...but now she okay liao...but i'm not the one who cheer her up.....haha....wadever la....all those are in the past...now its just nothing...but i will still support the both of them...miss u both always....hope i can be treated like the old times....

now, there's my love life...I like someone....who doesn't know about love....hmmm....wad should i do? I think i love her....but still not sure...maybe just brother sister love? am i the one who's confused? or am i just desperate for her? now...i don't feel like giving a shit anymore....been avoiding her....nt sure yet...but will face her soon....hope everything will be better...ohya...i'm losing hope in love...OMG...did i just fucking said that?! I usually very obsessed with love...but not this time...feel like its dying over time....because...love been giving me disappointment up till now....i'm not sure if this is a true feeling or not.....maybe just being tricked by myself...haha...i'm a person with many masks....

Now, i'm here....in my house....in my room....sitting on my bed...thinking...it's holiday but...i'm alone....my best fren gone to national service..and by the time he's back...i'm studying...and he's going singapore after that...what a coincidence....the time i came back...he go NS....and last time...it was...I come back miri....he go KL....what the hell.....haha....and my close frens....they all busy with their studies...projects...assignments...all these things....hhaha....but can't help right? study more important than going out with frens....guess i came back at a wrong time...haha....when they holiday...i'm busy studying...my college is so fucking awesome...haha....

...and...maybe soon...i will learn to drive...almost one year i didn't drive....haha...got my driver license but didn't mangae to drive a car...that's such a waste....i think i forgot how to drive already....or is it just that i'm not used to drive....not sure...havent try it yet...haha....wish me luck...XD

hmmm...alot of negatives things in my life...but i know..there's more positive...but...the negatives are stronger...easier to notice....people are like that...they see the negative and didn't notice the positive things around them....because it's too good....nothing to worry about right? my life is really fucked up...my thinking also...the confused...ME

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

~False hope?!~

I've been wondering to myself...i think my da jie don't want me anymore...or maybe its just me thinking too much...till now...she didn't even call me didi or wadsoever...like there's nothing between us anymore...last time she treat me so nice...make me feel that she is really my jie...but...I don't know what to do now...maybe to her..it's just fun and games...just play big sis? or wad? but to me...she's really important to me...

Now, eventhough she doesn't call me her didi anymore...I still call her da jie...and normally when i find her in msn or wad...she's busy or doing something else...like ignoring me...wth....so...not sure what to do....just to give her some space lo....maybe i'm just giving myself false hope...izit? in the world we live in...things are never how we wanted it to be...that's what makes life life...it makes life unpredictable...maybe that's why I started believe in wishes....to give myself some false hope so that i can move on...in times of sadness...i would make a wish...wish everything will turn out okay....i know i'm useless...to believe in such a thing...but whatever...i am me...no one can change what I believe in....

and...my shapo jie...hmmm...she got married...so early lor...but...will support her de la...hehe...hope she can be happy with her husband...wish jie the best ya...hehhe..she still treat me like oweys...but...she's mostly busy...haha...

Saturday, March 13, 2010

~izit my fault to have so much hope?~

I don't know what to do anymore...izit my wrong to have som uch hope in the things i though could have been better? to teach someone about love? i know its not something you can teach...its more like..something one need to experience on their own..cannot be taught by others..and the best thing is...she doesn't even want to accept it...doesn't want to get hurt? well, if that thinking goes on...maybe love will never reach her...how? nt sure what to do?......haihz...
these fucking confused feelings...really screwing with my fucking mind...damn it....

Being emo, thinking too much...small gas...wah...all so negative...what to do? Even my best friend advice me not to care for this kind of girl....what the fuck...i'm in love with a girl who doesn't know love and doesn't want to know it...how am i supposed to go on like this? Feel like giving up...my best friend advice me not to care her for long time...see what will happen then...hmm....maybe he's right...i got the feeling that he doesn't want me with this girl also...but he will support me anyways..haha...thanks BRO!!! Wish u all the best!

Hmm...i think i will stop all this shit for awhile...till the time comes...maybe I will abandon this? or hold on to it? I don't know? I need a break...my body will really worn out if it continues....and what I really meant to say is...i'm sorry for the way I am....and I never meant to be so cold...haha..crossfade ya...express the feelings with this song...

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

~What The Fuck~

What to do? my lecturer keep rejecting my work. fuck her..everything i do...wont approve...what the hell...maybe i;m just not suitable to do this kind of things...I don't know what to do...what should i do now? im thinking so damn hard...my brain's gonna explode...what the helllllll....sob sob....now really don't know what to do...alot of things....all the things come at the same time..woots...i'm gonna die...realll feel like crying now...i'm moody....i'm emo...i'm an asshole....i'm pathetic...i'm useless...i'm a noob...
sad sad sad sad sad sad sad......

Sunday, February 21, 2010

~what should i do?~

the pain inside me...it's killing me.....i don't know what i should do...i like the relationship that we are in....but i want to be more than that to her....but i also scared that it will be worse....later can't even be her friend...how?
should I? should I not?

I feel so pathetic right now.......maybe to my frens...this is hard to believe? haha...I don't know what to tell them...I've been keeping this secret all along...act differently to my feelings...so that no one will found out...
maybe this is not a good time to reveal the secret...maybe should keep for another few years? but it's already too late...can't go back...that's probably why i abit regret...

i miss her.....

Friday, February 19, 2010

~I don't know~

hmm...now is oredi third sem...alot things happened till now...but yesterday is most different. I told my frens one of my secrets that i kept for 2-3 years...i love her for quite a long time...but got alot of other feelings confuse me...
flashback....that time i was form 2...i like her...but got rejected...everytime tried to get close but failed...even with my friends supporting...and then time pass...i wanted to forget her...then started liking other girls...actually that time i already let the feelings go...but then..it was form 4-5....she suddenly came and we started to get close...the feelings from before start to come back...i didn't tell anyone how i felt back then...just kept it to myself and act as usual...but i really wanted people to know but i just cant say it...she became my kai mui...and my friend and I are her kai gor. She usually come to us. Our time together was wonderful..but sometimes there was ups and downs also...haha...i'm very happy when i'm around her...but i didn't say it out to anyone...when she leave..there's always this pain in my chest...but everytime i tried to endure it...maybe i just don't want people to know of this secret...just wanna be brother and sisters??!

actually...i'm not sure myself...i want to be more than a brother to her...to care for her, protect her, love her...but i'm not sure what she feel about me...probably just a brother? hmm...yesterday go friends house to share secrets...then i really wanted to tell this secret out...actually i felt better...after telling....like there's always been something there...then now it's gone...but i feel really painful....i can't even sleep...its too painful....

when i think about it...i like the relationship we are in...but..i'm just scared if i tell her...everything will be over...when i'm with her...i always feel at ease and comfortable...even when talking over the phone.....and yesterday went out with her and my friends....everytime i wanted to get close to her..but i always try to limit myself...and create a distance around her...sometimes get jealous of her with other guys...but also..i tried to endure it...somehow...its always bothering it....now...i don't know what i should do....i just know that i'm in love with her...