~Feeling left out~

Today is christmas eve....went out with eugene and cj....then watch movie and have dinner with them....
I wanted to go for the countdown but no one's there....walao....sad dao...then my housemates and friends all go somewhere far to eat and go for the countdown....

I'm all here alone....no one to accompany me to go for countdown....
One thing i hate the most is being left out....makes me feel i dun have friends....haihhhh....
y i keep getting all these negative feelings? why do u keep treating me like this??? FUCK!

~Where are my friends?~

I'm sad....to hear that...where are my friends? or do i even have friends?
Friends treat each other nicely rite? I'm all alone....after all

I'm in KL....in a house...got 2 good housemates....but I feel like they don't care anymore....
Is it because of stress? people changed? or is this fake.....faking it all along?

Well...I take relationship seriously.....now i really am pissed off....

When I'm like this....hoping someone will cheer me up...i want to go home....
I hope it isn't like this back at my hometown.....

~L!Fe-How everything doesn't turn out the way u planned~

Oh, how i'm pissed of the things that doesnt turn out the way i planned. I know this makes life interesting but its just not fair. It making me disappointed with life. Whenever i feel like this i want something good to make me forget this feeling. I always keep my feelings bottled up in myself. Im scared if will burst and hurt my friends and family.
I want to go out and have fun to release out all this motherf*cking feelings trapped in me.......wanna go to somewhere abandoned and destroy stuffs with a sledge hammer.....or go clubbing with my close friends....get drunk and get wasted.....
The way i think about it, this world is cruel, filled with cruel people. People get hurt everyday, let's just pray for the victims to be better. And pray that luck is with them. And also with us. Cherish every moment you're with close friends, lovers or family. Nothing last forever and everyone will separate one day, and that makes us who we are today. That makes our bonds become stronger....also sometimes this bond make break and never to heard from it again.

~Heart Melts~

It's been quite long, ever since i go to this korean wave thing, i saw someone, it was probably love at first sight. But now, everytime she is busy, so busy until no time to chat with her, i wanted to know more about her but there's always no chance. I feel like it is just an excuse to push me away, hoping i will give up eventually. But I wont give up so easily. Even if she told me she's busy, it's a good enough reply to keep me happy the rest of the day. Usually she will just ignore or no reply. Maybe all of this is just me thinking too much cause i tend to do that alot.
But now, I think i can't help it, this feeling is getting stronger and stronger. Mostly i will go to her facebook profile and see what she's up to, sometimes i feel jealous, sometimes feel happy to see her smiling so happy like that. One of the good point i like about her is her smile, hope i can make her smile. I want her to be mine so badly. And i want her to return my feelings too. That is what i hoped for. I dreamed of her, but its not really a good dream, we're walking and i saw her, but she didnt see me..and she just walk pass me, like there's no one there. I know this dream is a bad sign. Even though i quite know where this is going, i still keep hanging on and not letting go of this small hope.

~what a sick day~

Today woke up at 930am++ then took a bath, after that felt a bit weird, feeling weak, no energy...then go back to sleep again, hoping i will be better after some rest. Woke up and feeling worse, feeling nausea. Then eat some medicine and sleep somemore. Whole day i've been sleeping and resting, without even touching my assignments, wasted today away....i have a test tomorrow and i havent study for it....damn...life's a bitch...

~11/10/10 Rest In Peace Lokie~

Today, i called my mom, like usual, everytime i got back from college i will call her....she ask me wanna hear a bad news or not? i said yeah....she say Lokie is dead.....i'm a bit speechless....and sad....
So many bad things happened at a time...I hope you will be happy in the afterlife.....goodbye and good luck my beloved dog, Lokie.

27August

Hmm..today went out with chan, today we celebrate useless mei's bday even though already past. Firstly, chan came to my house, chat and exchange some movie, games etc. After that then we go to bamboo cafe, its kinda like a home cafe or something, not much people know about that place but its quite popular...haha...its quite nice, i think it only opens at night, open till 2am...can hang out with friends at that place...inside the cafe is quite dark...so the atmosphere is quite nice in there...haha...so chan and i chat while waiting for our useless mei...she's late...after some chit chat then here she comes...then we go order and eat our dinner there....hmm...it's kinda funny....it's like they haven't talked in ages...they only come out when i'm back in miri...HAHA...and everytime we will hear useless mei complain about her school, i know i know...the school sucks...after finished eating, useless mei go to her "friend"'s place....and chan took me to go for a ride....site seeing...at canada hill....its nice...i so miss that place....feels nostalgic...haha...the dark starry night...and the city lights...with some cool breezes....haha...that's all..haha

~Sohai day with best bud~

haha...today is such a funny day...outing with aaron...first off...i went to his house...then his dad drove us to imperial area.....then we go our "usual hang out place"....eat some spaghetti....and have some drinks together...chit chat...then went to a cybercafe near the place...then play alot of games....lfd2, demigod, hon, cs, etc etc...then after that...resting and time for dinner....again...we go back to the hang out place and eat some more spaghetti...after finished it...then order the 2nd round...wow....so unbelievable....haha....so we had 3 spaghetti meals altogether...and at the same place....and we back to the cybercafe again and play somemore.....and that's about it....one day just flew away with some games and spaghetti...

~whenever i feel unsatisfied with life...i will come here and complain about it~

what a day....hmm...how will u feel when u did something and put alot of effort into it...but someone else come and just take it away from you and still complain...well...i'm doing my moral notes and exercises....after finishing it all night...the next day..my friend ask me to lend it to him...what the fuck?! could even copy from the textbook...all the answers are in there...and notes....why u didn't copy in the class? need  to ask from me at a time like this? if I didn't lend it to you, you will say i'm a bad friend? say u wanted to save time to do other assignments? what about me? why don't i just copy from someone else? ok...i'm being a selfish bastard...but you never think of how other people felt....
hmm...im stressing and now i'm complaining..maybe i just need some rest...stress makes me talk like this....

~Update~

hmm...since chan asked why i didnt update...here's an update for ya....life's been pretty stressed lately....maybe because of the assignment from my college...and nothing much going on in my life...the usuals....hmmm...ohya...i missed alot of movies at the cinema....cause some of my time is busy like hell....but still manage to watch some movies though...recently watched prdators and inception....haha...inception is very nice...recommend to watch....so...i think thats about it...cherrio~

~Happy Birthday Chuan Jiet!!!~

 happy 19th birthday to chuan jiet. hmmm...ok..lets start...i first met with eugene...he pass through sunway pyramid...so i join his bus....then we go to chuan jiet's apartment...by the time we got there he is still working...he's working in a small italian restaurant...and it's near his house too....so its good....hmmm...and we eat at there....its like damn expensive...rm24 for a spaghetti carbonara....drink about rm6 for an ice lemon tea....bt chuan jiet gave us 40% discount with the taylor student discount. and after spending about few hours at the restaurant..they were watching football...betting on it....its like their crazy about it....haha...im not much of a football person...so i don't really get it...i know its very fun to scream "goal!!!" .After that, we sang happy bday song to cj...and eat the delicious cake...i think its called opera...nt sure why....its coffee + chocolate and something else....haha....and after that we went back to cj and lawrence's apartment....ohya...forgot to mention, lawrence is also with us....then we go play pool at club9...wow...its not bad...its good...we play and watch abit football....then...play pool is nice...havent done that in a long time...haha...then we go to asia cafe to drink and watch football again...then chat abit...then about 4am..then we go back to their apartment...wow...im like damn tired...haha....CHEERIO!!!

~Is it me?~

hmm...been in my class for the second sem now...but...i feel...they don't know me...maybe i'm not suited for that class? or maybe its the people in there...always thinking like that....being shallowminded....no matter what i say...it always end up bad...or is it the way i talk to people? y can't they understand what i'm saying...
haih..maybe its my fault oso...im not that good at communicating with people =.=....always says the wrong things....

~The Boy~

The boy is waiting stupidly in the cold....and no one knew what he was going through...faking a smile so that others wont worry about him.or cause any ruckus...acting tough...to cover up the scars on his body....wishing that someday...all of this will just be a dream....wait and wait...even now...still waiting....

~My Wavering Heart~

hmm...i'm so in a mess right now...i don't want to hear from someone anymore...i don't wanna care about that....i will forget everything about that...whatever..maybe i'm just being childish but...like what i said last time...how to get fruits from a tree that doesnt even bear fruits...so..i decided to give up...actually...i already give up some time ago...just that i don't wanna talk about it...

...and now...i think im falling in love with someone...love a first sight? hmm...it's always this...and in the end...it's just something else...and got real disappointed...but...i feel different this time...or maybe its just a hunch...haha....and u know...my communicating skill is not that good...im more of a quiet guy...that lives in solitude...haha...no la...i got alot of friends....but...im not really talkative...haha...but can be talkative with someone im comfortable with....then i'll just say anything to them...haha...

my heart wavers...because..im still not sure this love is gonna go...abit scared...excited...but...i know...if i dont take action now...nothing's gonna change right? so...i'm gonna give it a shot......

~Leaving Miri, Hello KL~

im gonna leave miri soon...going back KL...class startson monday....and settle some things...haih....alot problems lately...hope something can take me from all the problems....for awhile enough already.....haih....wadever...hmmm..hope in kl will be better...will cheer up...concentrate on studies....go out watch movie with friends...do some digital drawing....go out play...XD...haha....
came back at a wrong time this time...haha...gonna plan before come back...haha....should choose holiday time to come back....okok...that's all i wanna say today...bye~

~Miss my bestfren~

wow...i damn miss my best friend...haih...feel want go out with him...and talk about everything...haih...need some heart to heart talk also so hard....wanna express myself and tell him all the shit that i've been through...and hear his shitty days in the cruel fucking bitchy world....hmmm..been very fucking depressed lately...short and hot tempered....and keep enduring it in myself...not even releasing one bit...feel like crying...feel like dying...wth...FML....
haha....dont bother la....im going back KL soon....hope my mood will be better there...and hope to find a gf soon....XD...haha....i don't want to always feel like this...its bad for my health also...being this emo....i'm fucked!

~Loneliness~

haha....hmmm...after working...I decided i wanted to go out to have fun tonight....but...no one seems to be free now....haha....so ended up not going anywhere...and after that..happens few more nights...they busy...haha...i know they are studying and i came back at a wrong time...haha....but...i kinda need some friends accompany.....been very lonely lately...if can out 2 times a week that will be nice...haha......hmmm....what to do now?...if only my best friend is still in miri...haha...he's in miri but he got national service...so...can't enjoy our time together....haha....before he went to NS...i went to his house to sleepover...talk alot of things....secrets...etc etc...haha...drink beer....talk secrets...woah...that's damn nice...haha....and when he finished his NS..maybe will go singapore....and we'll be busy studying our ass off...haha...but will probably find him if im free...haha.......

~X'amd: Lost Memories~

hmmm...just finished watching a very nice anime...haha....it's about life...things that happened in life...alot of things...haha...and some cool things as well....they are called x'amd...find out yourself if want to know more...
The ending is very touching and the timing and plotting was damn nice....if anyone trying to find anime to watch...i recommend this anime...hehe...=)

~Working...woots~

Hmm...been working lately...haha...2 days ago started...wow...selling house...haha...i'm a salesman...woots....hmm...i'm not that experienced..i don't really understand the loan thingys...haha..and it's quite boring when there's no one..but it's quite relaxing for a job la...haha...watch ASTRO....sit there idling around...read some novels....draw some things....haha...eat.......the sales executive is my tang jie, Hazel...she's a pretty girl...haha...tall tall gal...ohya...she have an Audi A4...i think..nt really sure...haha...a damn sexy car....brunei plate...haha...
today at work quite funny...too damn bored...then my colleague, Becky went to take a nap...haha...she told me to wake her up if there are customers...haha...there's no customer for like one hour...so left her sleep there for 40 minutes....so funny...she wake up panicking...haha...she thought there's customer...hahahmm...my salary is rm700...and each house i sell..i get 0.1%....hmmm...which is...single storey house i get rm250...double storey is rm300....single storey semidetached is rm350...and double storey semidetached is rm500...

~MyLife 31/03/2010...FML~

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hey...now im gonna talk bullshit about my life..since i ain't got things to do other than this...haha...hmmm...first start off with studying...well..now's back in my hometown...holiday...haha...for one fucking month....but...maybe will go to work or something..doesn't matter....haha...but i friggin' need some money......ohya..starting next semester all the students need a quite powerful computer...gonna learn maya....haha...so...decide to buy one desktop...but..nt sure how my parents think...especially my kai ma....she dont' want me to buy the desktop you customize yourself...so...still thinking about it...haha...next sem is 2nd year 1st sem...hmm...time fly so damn fast...oredi one year studying in the one...haha....

hmm...KL life is pretty nice...the place I live also not bad...it's not like super damn nice ok? I just got a roof over my head...and there's air-con...so i wont complain about the hot weather...haha...and...the house is located near my college...haha....can just walk there...around 5-7 minutes...haha...and also can walk to sunway pyramid...is just next to all the blocks of the TOA area...haha....and...in sunway pyramid...there's lots of lenglui...woots...damn sexy and cute....haha

...and now...wanna talk about my gan jie....my da jie and sha po jie...hmm...i used to have sister complex...but now...i think im slowly letting go of them...but no matter what happens...they will forever be my sisters...haha....they are so busy with their lives...and dun have any space left for me...so they push me aside...telling me that..everyone have their own path to walk....be more mature...that's wad shapo jie told me....hmmm....i got draw something for the both of them....dunno if they really like or not...its their portrait drawing by me....haha....hmm...guess that time...like form 4 & 5..they just playing around with me...treat me nice wad...and now...throw me away...making me hanging by a thread...but it's slowly breaking apart....I used to support them...to cheer them up when they are down....there's a time when da jie was damn emo...but now she okay liao...but i'm not the one who cheer her up.....haha....wadever la....all those are in the past...now its just nothing...but i will still support the both of them...miss u both always....hope i can be treated like the old times....

now, there's my love life...I like someone....who doesn't know about love....hmmm....wad should i do? I think i love her....but still not sure...maybe just brother sister love? am i the one who's confused? or am i just desperate for her? now...i don't feel like giving a shit anymore....been avoiding her....nt sure yet...but will face her soon....hope everything will be better...ohya...i'm losing hope in love...OMG...did i just fucking said that?! I usually very obsessed with love...but not this time...feel like its dying over time....because...love been giving me disappointment up till now....i'm not sure if this is a true feeling or not.....maybe just being tricked by myself...haha...i'm a person with many masks....

Now, i'm here....in my house....in my room....sitting on my bed...thinking...it's holiday but...i'm alone....my best fren gone to national service..and by the time he's back...i'm studying...and he's going singapore after that...what a coincidence....the time i came back...he go NS....and last time...it was...I come back miri....he go KL....what the hell.....haha....and my close frens....they all busy with their studies...projects...assignments...all these things....hhaha....but can't help right? study more important than going out with frens....guess i came back at a wrong time...haha....when they holiday...i'm busy studying...my college is so fucking awesome...haha....

...and...maybe soon...i will learn to drive...almost one year i didn't drive....haha...got my driver license but didn't mangae to drive a car...that's such a waste....i think i forgot how to drive already....or is it just that i'm not used to drive....not sure...havent try it yet...haha....wish me luck...XD

hmmm...alot of negatives things in my life...but i know..there's more positive...but...the negatives are stronger...easier to notice....people are like that...they see the negative and didn't notice the positive things around them....because it's too good....nothing to worry about right? my life is really fucked up...my thinking also...the confused...ME

~False hope?!~

I've been wondering to myself...i think my da jie don't want me anymore...or maybe its just me thinking too much...till now...she didn't even call me didi or wadsoever...like there's nothing between us anymore...last time she treat me so nice...make me feel that she is really my jie...but...I don't know what to do now...maybe to her..it's just fun and games...just play big sis? or wad? but to me...she's really important to me...

Now, eventhough she doesn't call me her didi anymore...I still call her da jie...and normally when i find her in msn or wad...she's busy or doing something else...like ignoring me...wth....so...not sure what to do....just to give her some space lo....maybe i'm just giving myself false hope...izit? in the world we live in...things are never how we wanted it to be...that's what makes life life...it makes life unpredictable...maybe that's why I started believe in wishes....to give myself some false hope so that i can move on...in times of sadness...i would make a wish...wish everything will turn out okay....i know i'm useless...to believe in such a thing...but whatever...i am me...no one can change what I believe in....

and...my shapo jie...hmmm...she got married...so early lor...but...will support her de la...hehe...hope she can be happy with her husband...wish jie the best ya...hehhe..she still treat me like oweys...but...she's mostly busy...haha...

~izit my fault to have so much hope?~

I don't know what to do anymore...izit my wrong to have som uch hope in the things i though could have been better? to teach someone about love? i know its not something you can teach...its more like..something one need to experience on their own..cannot be taught by others..and the best thing is...she doesn't even want to accept it...doesn't want to get hurt? well, if that thinking goes on...maybe love will never reach her...how? nt sure what to do?......haihz...
these fucking confused feelings...really screwing with my fucking mind...damn it....

Being emo, thinking too much...small gas...wah...all so negative...what to do? Even my best friend advice me not to care for this kind of girl....what the fuck...i'm in love with a girl who doesn't know love and doesn't want to know it...how am i supposed to go on like this? Feel like giving up...my best friend advice me not to care her for long time...see what will happen then...hmm....maybe he's right...i got the feeling that he doesn't want me with this girl also...but he will support me anyways..haha...thanks BRO!!! Wish u all the best!

Hmm...i think i will stop all this shit for awhile...till the time comes...maybe I will abandon this? or hold on to it? I don't know? I need a break...my body will really worn out if it continues....and what I really meant to say is...i'm sorry for the way I am....and I never meant to be so cold...haha..crossfade ya...express the feelings with this song...

~What The Fuck~

What to do? my lecturer keep rejecting my work. fuck her..everything i do...wont approve...what the hell...maybe i;m just not suitable to do this kind of things...I don't know what to do...what should i do now? im thinking so damn hard...my brain's gonna explode...what the helllllll....sob sob....now really don't know what to do...alot of things....all the things come at the same time..woots...i'm gonna die...realll feel like crying now...i'm moody....i'm emo...i'm an asshole....i'm pathetic...i'm useless...i'm a noob...
sad sad sad sad sad sad sad......

~what should i do?~

the pain inside me...it's killing me.....i don't know what i should do...i like the relationship that we are in....but i want to be more than that to her....but i also scared that it will be worse....later can't even be her friend...how?
should I? should I not?

I feel so pathetic right now.......maybe to my frens...this is hard to believe? haha...I don't know what to tell them...I've been keeping this secret all along...act differently to my feelings...so that no one will found out...
maybe this is not a good time to reveal the secret...maybe should keep for another few years? but it's already too late...can't go back...that's probably why i abit regret...

i miss her.....

~I don't know~

hmm...now is oredi third sem...alot things happened till now...but yesterday is most different. I told my frens one of my secrets that i kept for 2-3 years...i love her for quite a long time...but got alot of other feelings confuse me...
flashback....that time i was form 2...i like her...but got rejected...everytime tried to get close but failed...even with my friends supporting...and then time pass...i wanted to forget her...then started liking other girls...actually that time i already let the feelings go...but then..it was form 4-5....she suddenly came and we started to get close...the feelings from before start to come back...i didn't tell anyone how i felt back then...just kept it to myself and act as usual...but i really wanted people to know but i just cant say it...she became my kai mui...and my friend and I are her kai gor. She usually come to us. Our time together was wonderful..but sometimes there was ups and downs also...haha...i'm very happy when i'm around her...but i didn't say it out to anyone...when she leave..there's always this pain in my chest...but everytime i tried to endure it...maybe i just don't want people to know of this secret...just wanna be brother and sisters??!

actually...i'm not sure myself...i want to be more than a brother to her...to care for her, protect her, love her...but i'm not sure what she feel about me...probably just a brother? hmm...yesterday go friends house to share secrets...then i really wanted to tell this secret out...actually i felt better...after telling....like there's always been something there...then now it's gone...but i feel really painful....i can't even sleep...its too painful....

when i think about it...i like the relationship we are in...but..i'm just scared if i tell her...everything will be over...when i'm with her...i always feel at ease and comfortable...even when talking over the phone.....and yesterday went out with her and my friends....everytime i wanted to get close to her..but i always try to limit myself...and create a distance around her...sometimes get jealous of her with other guys...but also..i tried to endure it...somehow...its always bothering it....now...i don't know what i should do....i just know that i'm in love with her...